On Both Sides of the Glass
by Laura E Moriarty
Summary: Immediately following the ending of the War, Shepard struggles to make sense of everything that happened. Shenko.
1. Joan of Arc

Standard disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect.

She said "I'm tired of the war  
I want the kind of work I had before  
A wedding dress or something white  
To wear upon my swollen appetite"  
-Leonard Cohen, Joan of Arc

Falling from the Citadel, Rose Shepard remembered nothing. Oblivion washed over her as they ran towards her, a stretcher hovering as they lifted her prone form onto it.

 _If this is heaven, I should be meeting Garrus at the bar._ That was her first coherent thought upon waking. Blinking, Shepard tried to sit up, but found she couldn't. The next thing she noticed were the intravenous tubes running cooling liquid through her body. After those first few coherent thoughts, she fell back again against her pillows, turned her head, and promptly retched.

It seemed that coming out of an anaesthetic didn't agree with her.

She felt dizzy, disoriented. Fuzzy, muddle-headed, as though she had a hangover from too much drinking.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been out, between the retching and the second waking.

Shepard struggled to a sitting position, and discovered that there was a tube in her bladder, draining it. Another uncomfortable thing about hospitals.

Hospital. So that was where she was, not the Med Bay aboard the _SSV Normandy_ , but in some hospital, somewhere. Her eyes darted around the room as she came clear of the miasma that still lingered, the fuzzy feeling after a chemical-induced state close to death. She registered the fact that there was a warm hand clenching her own, a familiar hand that had stroked all the intimate regions of her body.

"Kaidan?"

His head shot up at the sound of her voice. She noticed belatedly that his eyes had dark circles, his stubble now turning into a bristly beard. "Rose."

"Did we win?" There was an urgent mission she remembered they were performing. A battle still to be fought, a war to win. She remembered little after Admiral David Anderson's death at the hands of the Illusive Man, the trauma still fresh in her mind.

 _She doesn't remember my finding her, carrying her from the wreckage of the Citadel. She doesn't remember any of it._ A small part of Kaidan was glad for that. Glad that she would never know the fear he had felt, fear that the woman he loved was dead. He had taken a small team, assisted by the resources of the Shadow-Broker- the Alliance was strapped flat and were busier trying to debrief their troops- back to the rubble where the Citadel had once been.

 _"I refuse to accept that she's dead," Kaidan's arms were crossed flatly against his chest, the muscles in his jaw twitching as he fought to control his emotions. Rose couldn't be dead. As if by sheer force of his beliefs he could summon her to him in the cargo hangar of the Normandy, he saw Liara's face change for an instant._

 _"There might be a way..." The Asari twisted her fingers as she spoke, mentally ticking off a list that Kaidan couldn't see. "With enough money-no- they need manpower-" Liara trailed off, pacing as she thought. "Yes. Yes!" She turned abruptly around to face Kaidan, "Glyph? Can you call in all resources not being channeled into reconstruction? We need it for the surgeries."_

 _The VI beeped, "Yes, Doctor T'Soni," it said, and Liara smiled for the first time since the entire crew of the Normandy had found Shepard's body._

 _They had gone back to London, back to the place where Shepard had last been seen. For the past three days, they had been digging in the rubble, hope and despair vying with one another. This was the last day Admiral Hackett would be there to assist their efforts; Kaidan was simply grateful that he didn't have to explain to Hannah Shepard that her daughter's body wouldn't be returned to her in a casket. He kept hoping that they would find Rose, that somewhere amidst the terrible wreckage and aftermath of war, she would be breathing._

 _"Found her! Over here!" A young, bespectacled lad from Grissom Academy waved his hands above his head. They broke into a run at those words, the flaring of hope growing stronger with each step._

 _When they found her, Kaidan's chest clenched tightly, heart surging at the news, not wanting to face the possibility that she no longer lived. He lifted her into his arms, careful not to jostle her as he did so. There was no telling what horrific injuries she had, not without swift medical attention. A waiting gurney stood ready to receive its precious cargo. He could hear her shallow, rattling breath, and knew she lived still. He didn't know for how long._

Now she woke. He hadn't left her side since they wheeled her out of the surgical theatre. It broke his heart to see they had shaved her head, that they seemed oblivious to the fact that she was someone's daughter- someone's lover. Salarians were excellent surgeons, but lacked the empathy that humans valued so deeply. The only Salarian Kaidan liked had died on Tuchanka, ending the Genophage, and right now, Kaidan would've given the world to have had Mordin in that operating theatre.

"Breathing normal. Surgery a success. Will likely wake up soon." The surgeon had left five minutes-or hours- ago. Kaidan had sat beside Rose for so long his butt was getting numb, but he hadn't wanted to leave in case she woke and didn't see him.

 _Did we win? What the hell was that kind of question?_

Kaidan smiled, and took Rose's hand in his own. It looked so strange to him, a confused tangle of IV lines and medi-gel infusion pumps. Her other hand looked no better: covered with tiny burns that were slowly fading with the medi-gel, others that Kaidan knew no amount of surgery and skin-grafts could fix. He loved her, and in that moment, he knew that she loved him. Her blue eyes fixed on his, trying to work out what the hell to tell her.

The truth was, they had won. "Yes," he said at last. "It's over, and the galaxy is saved. " There was no amount of forced joviality that could disguise the relief that he felt that it was over. They had time now, time to do what they wanted, time to decide their personal futures.

Days went past in a blur, turning into weeks. The reporters were like a herd of ravenous varren, seizing each chance they had to ambush anyone coming out of the hospital, desperate for news of the conquering heroine. Kaidan learned quickly to evade them, and spent his time lurking in the hospital stairwells until he was sure they had gone.

"You know, it's getting rather wearying having to lurk like some miscreant," Kaidan smiled, kissing Shepard on the lips. She leaned in and kissed him back, hungry for his touch. It had been too long. Too long to go without.

"So break me out of here. I'm feeling better than I did six weeks ago, Kaidan. In fact, I'm getting rather bored." He laughed softly at her mention of boredom. He knew only too well that feeling of being recovered enough in mind, but not in body.

"I know, Rose, but you're still recovering," he said gently, "but I promise, I'll make it up to you." He slid his hand beneath the nightshirt she wore- she had stolen it from him, after all- and gently cupped her breast with his hand.

"Hmmm..." She cocked her head to one side, as though in contemplation. "I can think of ways..."

A soft, fond chuckle. She had recovered sufficiently enough that the in-dwelling catheter had been removed- fucking uncomfortable things- but they still wanted her in hospital for observation, and she was sick to death of it. All she wanted was to be back on the Normandy with her friends. She wanted her own bed back, wanted to stand at the captain's post on the command deck, and head for new adventures.

Three days later, Shepard had her wish granted.


	2. The Old Revolution

On Both Sides of the Glass

Chapter Two

I fought in the old revolution  
On the side of the ghost and the King.  
Of course I was very young  
And I thought that we were winning;  
I can't pretend I still feel very much like singing  
As they carry the bodies away.

Into this furnace I ask you now to venture,  
You whom I cannot betray.

 _\- The Old Revolution,_ Leonard Cohen

Shepard dreamed of Akuze. Her entire squadron wiped out before her, the harsh desert landscape completely unforgiving. Even though she had avenged the deaths of her squad, Rose was still unable to reconcile the day in her head. She had lost too much. It seemed to be a common theme in her life: losing. It didn't help that she'd put immense pressure on herself not to let anyone too close, that they'd eventually leave her. The countless individuals who littered the galaxy—a mass grave of however many millions—they stood to remind her in moments of reproach that she hadn't saved enough.

The self-reproach really needed to stop.

She had done everything she could've, in those moments where she had made her choices. Rose was full of doubt, full of self-loathing, full of survivor's guilt. It was guilt and self-loathing that ate at her now. The guilt that she hadn't managed to get through the Omega Relay sooner, save more of the Normandy's crew from the Collectors. The guilt that she hadn't been able to reach Thessia sooner, saved the assari planet—her biggest regret. She hadn't saved enough people when the Thorian had attacked—half the colony of Zhu's Hope had perished. Those thoughts were enough to weigh heavily on anyone.

Sometimes, Shepard wished she'd never joined the Alliance Navy—never set foot on Akuze. Yet she knew that if she hadn't done so, the man who slept with his arm securely around her waist wouldn't be there. His presence was reassuring, familiar, loving. Often she woke in the night, blood pounding in her veins. Her flashbacks were getting worse, coming frequently during the day, and there was no respite from them.

" _Thresher Maw!" A squadmate shouted, aiming his gun squarely at the beast. He had just squeezed the trigger when the beast threw back its head. "Damn!" He shouted, ducking. The Thresher Maw spat at him, and then he was silent._

 _Never to speak again. Never to breathe again. He simply laid there, eyes vacant, skin peppered by acid. More deaths would come that day. When all was said and done, she stood alone, like some Alamo survivor. Burned, trembling—she stood defiant against the beast who had slaughtered her squad._

 _She knew it was a suicide mission. She wasn't supposed to survive the Thresher Maw—they'd sent her off to die on some far-flung planet. It was Gallipoli, it was the Somme, it was Fromelles—Culloden, even. It was every horrendous battle from the last three centuries—every unsalvageable situation any army had ever been in since time immemorial._

 _Still, Rose removed her helmet, took a deep breath. It was going to be fine—she would survive. Even knowing she would survive, it was still hard to reconcile the loss of fifty other people. Fifty. The number was hard to wrap her head around._

 _She woke up in an unfamiliar place, and her eyes adjusted in the dim light long enough for her to realise she was in a surgical ward of the Huerta Memorial Hospital on the Citadel. The salarian doctors spoke in hushed, but manic tones. "Breathing normal, pupils dilated. Blood pressure 180 on 110. Too high. Too, too high." She felt light-headed, dizzy._

 _The next time she woke, she was not alone. The marine she had started dating before being shipped out to Akuze seemed to be standing nearby. He looked like he hadn't slept in days—the heavy stubble and bleary eyes gave it away. "Kaidan? I didn't expect you…"_

 _Kaidan ran a hand over his stubble, and moved to grip Rose's hand. "I came as soon as I heard." His eyes were kind and compassionate. Rose smiled softly her arm snaking behind his neck, and brought his head down to hers._

" _I had no idea it was a trap," she told him, "There were several Thresher Maws, and my entire squad…"_

 _For a moment, Kaidan said nothing, and then he kissed her gently. "It wasn't your fault, Rose. You had no way of knowing."_

Death had become a constant companion over the long years. She was still grappling with every life lost in the conflict—every death a personal insult that she could never forgive herself for. The lives of the Batarians she had ended weighed on her—sending the asteroid towards the Alpha Relay had been the _only_ choice. The only choice that bought time. The choices she made loomed large in her post-painkiller fug—like things of evil, they taunted and haunted her waking and sleeping moments. There was no rest in her sleep, and no rest in her waking. The impossibility of every choice she had made weighed on her like the world on Atlas's shoulders.

For once, Shepard knew no moment where her choice could've been different. She sat upright, breathing hard. Careful not to wake Kaidan, who slept peacefully beside her, she slid out of bed. Walking to the small bathroom, she splashed water on her face, and stared at her reflection in the mirror above the sink.

The two blue eyes that looked back at her were startlingly blue. Her hair was deep red, but there were patches of scar tissue weaving its way through the tangled mess of her scalp. Long braids of hair, once pinned back into regulation standard buns, now fell loosely to her shoulders. Her skin, once so perfect and unblemished, now bore the marks of battle, of rebirth, and dying again and again. The woman whose eyes stared back at hers were those of a survivor. They had cried a million tears, had seen sights so horrific it was a wonder she slept at all. _Her_ eyes.

She knew she would survive—Rose always survived—from the first moment to the last.

"Rose?" Kaidan's voice broke into her thoughts. She turned, and saw the man that had stood beside her at her absolute worst. "Are you okay?" Kaidan reached for her hand, taking it in his larger one.

Wordlessly, Rose turned to Kaidan, and leaned into his shoulder. Then the tears finally came. Tears she had been avoiding shedding for too long. Kaidan held her as she sobbed, knowing that words wouldn't ever be sufficient.

When she ceased to sob, many minutes later, Rose looked up at Kaidan—and saw understanding and empathy in his face.

If there was something Rose loved, it was the feeling of water on her back. It brought her peace, it brought her a temporary respite from the aches and pains of the day. She stood under the showerhead, letting the water fall around her. Just as it stopped the pain from the prosthetics and the implants, it brought a clarity to her thoughts. The world stopped needing to be saved- the galactic importance lessened. Everything was peaceful when she was in the shower. For one thing, Kaidan was there with her, his strong arms around her as they stood there together in solidarity. It was a feeling of contentment, a sure knowledge that no matter how dark things got, he would always be there for her.

Rose was glad for his company. Had always been glad. The world was a less frightening place. For she knew it was him who had pulled her through the horrors of Akuze, days after the Alliance had finally found her. A man who was as good as Kaidan came once every few centuries. He was the Aragorn to her Arwen.

"Do you remember when we met, Kaidan?" Rose asked, smiling. It was the first time she had smiled in days.

"You bumped into me in a nightclub," Kaidan replied, drawing Rose close to him, wanting to know he didn't hold a ghost. In his eyes, Rose had been fading every day, and he was lost as to how to help her. It went beyond the trauma of war, beyond the horror of what they had both seen on the battlefield and were powerless to stop it.

 _2177: Three months before Akuze._

 _The newly-promoted Operations Chief Rose Shepard took a sip of whatever alcohol her best friend and half-sister, Nellie had bought them. They were celebrating Rose's promotion on the Citadel, hitting the bars and nightclubs that would take them. Young and happy, vibrant Nellie was a pixie of a woman: short bright red hair and piercing blue eyes, hair styled impossibly high—her Irish features strikingly obvious. She tottered on heels too high, dress short and revealing her lithe form. Rose was dressed in a slightly more restrained fashion, with heels not quite as high, or dress quite as revealing, but still stunning._

 _Rose and Nellie had been together their entire lives. Their mothers were best friends who had married each other. Born on the same day about ten or so minutes apart in the hospital on the Citadel, Rose and Nellie had been inseparable since birth. The two girls were never far away from each other, and Hannah and Dorothea both knew that if one was there—the other would be, too. The only time the girls had been separated was when Rose had joined the Alliance as a Vanguard, and Nellie had gone into the medical corps._

 _Hannah and Dorothea hadn't always intended to both be pregnant at the same time, but because neither of them could make up their minds about which of them should be the gestational mother, they had come to the most logical solution. They would both have a child each. Choosing a donor had not been easy, but eventually, they picked, and nine months later, Hannah Shepard and Dorothea Nevell each held their bundle of pale orange._

" _So Rose, where to next?" Nellie grinned at her best friend, and grabbed Rose's hand. "You only get promoted to Operations Chief once! Let's go to the Armax Arena…" Her grin was nothing short of infectious, and Rose found herself caught up in her friend's enthusiasm. "Or we could just stay here, and I can get hit on by gorgeous, glamourous assari!" Nellie, game as ever for an encounter with the beautiful blue-skinned women, giggled._

" _Suit yourself, babe." Rose shrugged—Nellie was always seeing one assari or another. "I've got my eye on someone else." The man who she had been covertly eyeing was currently dancing very awkwardly with a turian. He was cute—that much was clear. The way he carried himself made Rose think he was Alliance military, just like she was. He seemed to radiate attractiveness, and Rose found herself moving towards him, unconsciously—as if magnetised._

 _Suddenly, she was face-to-face with him. She blushed, her face going as red as her namesake. "Shit. Sorry." She looked up at him—tall, dark and handsome. But there was something about him that seemed reassuring, like she had always known him._

" _No, it's my fault," he said, carefully checking her over for any signs of his clumsiness. "I was heading to the bar, didn't check where I was walking, and apparently, walked right into someone." His face was kind, and Rose smiled._

" _It's alright, I was the clumsy one." Glancing behind him, Rose could see Nellie shaking her head and mouthing something to her that she couldn't quite work out. She shot her sister a look, and turned back to the handsome young man. "I figure, since I was the one who bumped into you, it's only right that I introduce myself first." Rose gave him a warm, and hopefully, winning, smile. "I'm Rose."_

" _Well, Rose. I'm Kaidan." Kaidan said, "It's a pleasure to meet you."_

In the weeks that followed, Rose found herself wandering the _Normandy,_ each time trying to find those who should have been there. The empty cabins were silently reproaching her—she knew she had to find new crew members to replace the ones lost in battle.

Tali'Zorah vas Rannoch had settled back into her routine in the engine room, alongside the two former Cerberus engineers, Gabby and Kenneth, and Adams. Garrus Vakarian was still calibrating the _Normandy_ 's guns. James Vega had left to complete his N7 training. Rose wasn't sure if he'd return to the _Normandy_ , but that was her hope. Liara had decided to remain, and so had most of her friends. Karin Chakwas had retired immediately after Rose had returned, and no amount of persuasion could've convinced her to change her mind. Specialist Traynor remained, keeping a close eye on the galaxy's communications. Joker, as ever, helmed the ship with a calmness that belied everything he had lost.

"We have an assignment for you, Shepard." Admiral Hackett's spectral image floated in the comms room.

Rose, grateful for any distraction, stood straighter as her commanding officer spoke. "Yes, sir," she responded.

"There's reports of pirates in the Terminus Systems. They call themselves Spectres, but there's no record of them among the archives. I want you to take your crew and head to their last known location. Specialist Traynor should have received the coordinates by now."

Rose felt her heart sink. So the Alliance _was_ sending her back into action. Her jaw clenched at the thought of more battle, more lives that were depending on her being saved. "Aye, sir."

"You'll be joined by some of the galaxy's finest. They should be arriving on the _Normandy_ within the hour," Admiral Hackett said, supressing a smile.

"The _Normandy_ standing by and ready to receive." Rose felt her heart grow lighter at the thought of the galaxy's finest. So she wouldn't have to do this alone.

Within the hour, Rose heard the sound of the airlock opening, and she stood at the side, waiting. Kaidan stood next to her, holding her hand. Anxiety grappled with excitement, anticipation creating a big bundle of nervousness in the pit of her stomach. The people who stepped onto the _Normandy_ would be friends, she hoped.

A small spitfire of a woman launched herself into Shepard's arms with a broad grin. "Hey sis. Miss me?"

Rose's face broke into the biggest grin as she hugged Nellie. "What the hell are you doing here, Nellie?" Rose asked, dumbfounded with joy.

Nellie released her sister with a grin. "Coming to see the galaxy you saved, duh. Also, this is my new assignment, given that Karin's retired." She glanced back towards the airlock, where Rose registered, with a slight degree of shock, the bevy of people behind Nellie.

There were three krogan behind Nellie. Rose's heart leapt at the thought that three of Clan Urdnot's greatest had come to join her once again. Grunt, Wrex and—if Rose's suspicions were right—Bakara. Behind the krogan, there was a drell, and a few salarians. The drell surprised her. And then there were the humans crowded behind everyone else, hanging back, as though hesitant that they'd be welcome.

"Commander Shepard." Rose disengaged from her sister, and hurried to Kolyat Krios.

"Kolyat? What are you doing here?" Surprise definitely had her dumbfounded. The last time she had seen the young drell had been at his father's memorial.

"I am settling my debt with you," he replied, and smiled. "My father and I found one another thanks to you. I owe you."

"Well, if that's what you want, Kolyat, welcome aboard." Rose's smile was genuine, and she stood aside to let the young drell pass her. "Your father's cabin is vacant, you'd be more than welcome there." Rose hadn't changed much about her ship when she'd finally gotten her back. The _Normandy_ was her home, and the home of those who had once fought beside her.

"Hey Shepard, what about me?" Urdnot Wrex's voice broke into her thoughts. "Am I chopped salarian liver?" Rose turned to face the proud clan leader, noticing new scars where once there had been none. Yet he looked hale and hearty, and peace seemed to suit the krogan.

"Wrex," Rose smiled warmly, "Welcome back. Bakara, a million welcomes to you." Rose reached for her hand, and squeezed it with warmth. "You honour me with your presence."

"It is I who honours you, Commander," Bakara said, returning Rose's warm salutation. Grunt made sounds as if he wanted to interrupt, but Bakara shot the young krogan a look.

"Hey Grunt," Rose said with an amused tone, "You trying to sire half of Tuchanka like Wrex yet?"

"Not yet," Wrex broke in, "Hasn't found a female willing to mate with him—yet." Wrex guffawed, and Rose found herself feeling sad for Grunt.

After all that Grunt had done to save the Aralakh Company on Utukku, Rose wondered why the krogan women were reluctant to mate with the young krogan hero. Shaking her head mentally at herself, she moved forwards to meet the rest of the delegation.

The salarians hadn't exactly been happy when Mordin cured the Genophage. In fact, Dalatrass Linron had been outraged, sending an exceptionally irate message to Rose the day she had done so. Standing behind the salarians, Rose noticed the angular-shaped head of the last Prothean.

 _So Javik survived. What's he going to do now that he has nothing to go back to?_ Rose wondered at Javik's reappearance, but before she could voice her shock, Liara grabbed Javik, and pulled him away. "What?" It was the only thing she could say.

"We have unfinished business, Commander," Javik replied, his voice as old and ancient as the man himself. "We will talk some other time. Dr T'Soni requires my assistance." Rose stood there, feeling as though she had been slapped with a biotic charge, and struggled to understand why Javik was back aboard the _Normandy_. She had been so sure, given the last conversation that she'd had with him, that he was going back to the place where his squadron had fallen in the last Reaper War.

Nevertheless, she was happy that there were people aboard the _Normandy_ that she could trust with her life. The small group of humans that crowded the airlock now stepped forwards. Some of them, Rose recognised instantly, the tall and imposing figure of Jacob Taylor, now cradling a bundle of cloth in his arms, his wife beside him. Rose was glad that Jacob had found peace, and that Brynn seemed good for him. Their little girl seemed healthy, from what tiny glimpse Rose had at the small bundle.

It seemed like everyone she had ever saved—or served with—had come. In the midst of the joyous reunions, Rose looked for Kaidan. She found him, standing beside her, hand in hers. "I'm glad you're here," she whispered to him, kissing his cheek. "I couldn't do this without you."

Introductions made, Rose was glad when she finally retired to her cabin that night. It seemed Steven Hackett had thought of _everyone_. It was like one massive party—a party she wanted more than ever to join in with, but felt she couldn't.

A growing sense of dread, like that she had experienced prior to launching a suicide mission, gnawed at her. _If they're sending everyone, it means something big is going down. Something's not quite right…_

She poured herself a glass of whisky, and downed it, letting the burn of the spirit fortify her for the moment. Kaidan, emerging from the bathroom with a towel draped around his waist, saw the wince. "Hey. It's all right," he told her, wrapping her in a warm hug that seemed to shield Rose from the worst of her demons. "We're not assaulting Omega tonight, or launching through the Omega Relay." His voice was warm, assuring. Rose leaned back against her man, and sighed.

He was right, but still, Rose felt cold.


	3. Dance Me To The End of Love

On Both Sides of the Glass

Chapter Three

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on  
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long  
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above  
Dance me to the end of love  
Dance me to the end of love

\- Leonard Cohen, _Dance Me To The End of Love_

For once, Rose found herself not worrying about the five hundred and fifty billion lives that depended on her. Relaxing was something that she didn't allow herself to do that often, because she hadn't had _time_ to relax. There had always been one more planet to save, one more battle to fight, relaxation becoming so low in her priorities list that it had vanished right off it. Today was an exceptionally good day, she realised, glancing down at the soft white fabric that covered her arms. The sleeves ended at the wrist, tight and buttoned, hiding the scars that she had accumulated over years and years of heavy combat.

It wasn't that she wasn't proud of the scars, it just seemed inappropriate to showcase them on this beautiful spring morning. The trees outside the apartment on the Citadel were heavy with blossom, a scent of hope in the air. They had been threatening to blossom for the past two days, and now, with the joyousness of spring and new beginnings, they had finally blossomed into a canopy thick with colours and scents. Light flooded in through the massive windows, bathing everything in a rosy glow. Rose picked up the tiny nosegay and pinned it to her veil, taking care that she didn't undo all the work the girls had done. They were her closest friends, and Rose cherished them all. She turned to face them, and smiled beatifically, taking the next bunch of flowers Nellie handed her.

The women in her bridal party were close friends—good friends. They had stuck by her through the worst of times, and the best. They were as diverse, and each woman who was in her bridal party had been selected because they had served with her during two horrendous experiences, the first being the trip through the Omega Relay, the second during the Reaper War. They had been her friends for so long now that Rose had forgotten the exact length of their friendships—combined as they were. There were Asari matriarchs amongst those Rose counted as friends, and admirals of the Quarian liveships. There were humans, too, amongst those in her bridal party—Miranda, Jack, Nellie, just to name a few.

* * *

Rose's hens night had been fun. The Silversun Strip was a great place for a night out with the girls. They'd hit the Armax Arena at Jack's insistence, and, within hours of getting there, Rose, Jack, Liara, Samantha, Nellie, Miranda, Tali and Samara had beaten Aria and Bray's top scores. That had been fun. Next they had gone bar-hopping, getting completely plastered and eventually thrown out of every bar on the Citadel.

"I'm Commander Shepard, the first human spectre," Rose insisted at one point, "You can't just throw me out!"

"I can, and I will," the Krogan bouncer also insisted, "I don't care who you are."

Rose crossed her arms, twitching as though she had a bad case of the chills. "You mean to say that the saviour of the bloody galaxy is being thrown out?" She pointed to her left boob, where the badge flashed _bride to be_ on it. The Krogan bouncer looked nonplussed, and snorted.

"You're still not welcome. Get out of here before I call C-Sec." The Krogan waved his hand threateningly.

"Urdnot Wrex and Urdnot Bakara are great friends of mine!" Rose insisted, hoping that the Krogan bouncer wasn't from a rival clan. "How would they react if they heard that the person responsible for the Genophage being cured was being thrown out of a bar?"

"I don't care. Hey Smash," the bouncer waved over another Krogan bouncer, "Get these pyjaks out of here."

Again, Rose's arm twitched with the urge to throw the bouncer in the air using her biotics. Nellie and Samantha, this time, grabbed both arms and physically restrained her. "That's it! I'm calling C-Sec!" The aptly-named Smash grabbed Rose, and threw her out—and Rose was sure she felt her arm break as Smash roughly manhandled them out of the bar.

Rose hissed in pain as she stood up, unsteady on her feet. "We'll go somewhere else, where the bouncers are more reasonable," she declared, swaying from side to side. It felt like the world was spinning around as though she was in the skycar, racing to keep up with Tela Vasir. She could still hear Liara's admonitions that it was a skycar, not a shuttle.

" _It's a taxi, it has a fare meter."_ The words were clear as day.

Still, Rose was sure the Krogans had thrown her out because she was human—not because she was drunk. Stupid racist Krogans. Like they didn't have her to thank for curing the Genophage. This was the thanks she got.

"I was responsible for curing the Genophage!" Rose shouted at the Krogan, "That was me! And Urdnot Wrex made me an honorary Krogan in thanks. "

"I. Don't. Care." The Krogan was really, really starting to piss Rose off. She didn't seem to be getting through to the Krogan, and her hand twitched, reaching for the non-existent gun, ready to shoot him if she had to. Rose realised in that moment that she didn't have a gun on her.

"Rose, no!" A horrified Nellie knew exactly what her sister was thinking, and grabbed her hands. "No."

Her friends converged on Rose, and grabbed her before she could do anything stupid—like punching a Krogan bouncer. Frog marching Commander Shepard, hero of the citadel, conqueror of the collectors made the girls giggle. Rose was giggling too, as they collapsed onto a large bench. Rose slapped some medigel on her arm, hoping it wasn't actually broken, and looked around at her friends.

"I love you guys," she said warmly. Then she winced in pain as her arm moved in a way that it shouldn't have. The medigel seemed to be working slowly. Too slowly, for her liking. "Ouch. My arm."

Nellie immediately activated her omnitool's medical scanner, and took a quick snapshot of the offending limb. It was a bad break, the humerus completely shattered. "You need more than medigel, sis," she told Rose, examining it further with a gentle hand. "It's shattered. You need to go to the hospital."

"Why?" Rose asked pitifully, "Why hospital when you're the best damn surgeon in the navy? Can't you just fix it? I'm really sure they're sick of me at Huerta." She gave Nellie a pitiful, pathetic look, as though someone had just told her that her hamster was dead.

"Do I have to get Nana and Dede involved?" Nellie fixed her sister with a look. "Nana's just gotten home from being debriefed, and Dede's just exhausted from the war you were winning." She looked more like Rose than she ever had at that moment—the same stubborn look in the eyes and the mouth that was just a tiny bit too wide to be considered attractive. Their mouths were set in the same shape, each of them biting their lips and raising an eyebrow. They stared at one another, daring the other to blink. Goading, even.

"No. Hospital." Rose bit out through clenched teeth. "You're the best surgeon I know after Mordin."

"Shepard, please." Samara's voice broke in, "Listen to your sister." Rose and Nellie broke their stares to look at the Asari matriarch. "Do you want your arm to be in a sling for your wedding day?"

"Fine." The stubborn, obstinate tone in her voice meant she was only doing this grudgingly. She supposed it could've been worse—like when the Collectors had spaced her on the old _Normandy._ Rose didn't like to think about that. Pushed it to the furthest recesses of her mind. "But only if you do the medigel stuff."

"Alright." Nellie couldn't keep the smarmy swarm of pride that burst up inside her out of her voice. For once, her stupid, stubborn, reckless, annoying, and a whole lot of other adjectives sister had actually listened to her. "Let's get a skycar, then."

They made their way to the taxi stand, Nellie and Samantha supporting Rose between them. Rose wasn't an easy patient at the best of times, and drunk Rose was something of a nightmare, always jumping from one topic to the other to the point where she sounded as manic as a Salarian. The drunken rambling and constant squirming forced Liara to put Rose in a stasis hold, if only to contain her. That, at least, had the effect of making the ride to the hospital so much easier.

"I don't need a doctor, or scans," Rose said stubbornly, about thirty minutes later as they waited to be triaged. "There's heaps of people worse off than me. I feel fine."

"Commander Shepard? The doctor will see you now." An Asari medic wearing the familiar form-fitting scrubs with the hospital logo on them called out to Rose.

Rose glanced at her sister with a wounded look. Somehow, every bit of shore leave she ever got ended with those words.

* * *

The small chapel was crowded. The two crews of the Normandy, both Cerberus and Alliance sat in pews surrounded on all sides by stained glass windows. Outside, the media stood in attendance, vying for the best position to get shots when the chapel finally opened its doors to reveal the newlyweds.

Inside, the altar was decorated simply, driftwood candelabrum with lit candles—stained glass glowing softly behind it. It was a small, old chapel, that had seen so many weddings and funerals in its life. The wedding it bore witness to now was one that had seemed an impossibility three years ago. Rose had died, and this chapel had been where they had held her memorial, and like some Messianic figure, she had died and returned from death. It was a chapel that was as old as the Citadel itself—reaching back aeons, having seen so many cultures and races born and die. It was a chapel that over time had transformed itself, turning into whatever the current cycle's cultures demanded it to be. Even the Keepers weren't quite sure how that happened, Asari historians and archaeologists had never been able to pinpoint its exact age or origins.

It truly was beautiful today. Not only the outside, but the inside, too. White garlands sat on the edges of the altar, on the ends of the rows of pews. A few men and women sat in the front row, and all eyes turned as the strains of the processional song signalled the arrival of the bride. The women, wearing long peach coloured dresses with floral headdresses stepped forwards. A diverse group of women, from Tali'Zorah vas Normandy to Nellie Nevell and Jack, some looking more out of place than others in their human garb, they had been chosen to escort their friend and sometime commanding officer down the aisle on this beautiful spring morning.

Then Rose came, wearing a long dress that flared at the waist into a ball-gown, with sleeves and a beautiful and unusual strawberry pattern embossed into the fabric. It was soft and made Rose feel like she was the most beautiful woman in all the galaxy. Her hair was pinned up behind her veil, and her bouquet was made from an old romance novel.

When she reached Kaidan, finally, she smiled up at him. "It's finally here," she whispered to him as he gently brushed her veil back, and kissed her cheek.

The ceremony itself was brief, the simple exchange of vows, the assurances of love and fidelity ad infinitum, the signing of the registry. In the twenty second century, not much had changed when it came to the paperwork—the dull and humdrum bureaucracy still existed. Unlike Salarians, who only exchanged breeding contracts, Rose was glad that romance still had its place.

She could remember the proposal.

* * *

 _Ten months ago, before Rannoch._

The soft illumination from the data pads flung carelessly on the table was enough light for Rose to see her way through the dark—stumbling and tripping over her combat boots to the steps, and then up them to the bathroom. She had woken from another nightmare about Akuze. It seemed like Akuze and the horrors of Akuze were never far from her mind—she was tired of the war, tired of being held hostage to her past. Rose stood in front of the mirror and didn't recognise the woman standing there. She saw the tired eyes, the permanent shadows underneath them—she could never sleep for long without the nightmares claiming her. Five, ten minutes, sometimes twenty or thirty. But a full night's sleep was impossible.

Rose turned the tap for the shower and shed her clothes, standing under the water, letting it cascade down her back. She stood there like that, just letting the water wash over her. When the water grew cold, she reached for the towel and wrapped it around her. It had helped, but only just. She hated that she could never find peace, that it was a constant struggle to keep herself from letting the darkness overshadow everything—even the happiest moments were tinged with sadness.

She wished she could believe that she was fighting for the good in the world that was worth fighting for. Rose wished that the war would end, wished she could run away and become a hermit on an uninhabited planet, far, far away from everything and everyone—a hermit living with just her memories. It would be easier to cope with life then. She wanted to live like Yoda, or Obi-Wan Kenobi, a devotee of an ancient and powerful order, cut off from the turmoil of the galaxy. Yet her mind kept pushing a different way of being a hermit: her brain always had Kaidan by her side in these wishes of running away. He was the reason she had kept fighting, kept trying to make the galaxy better. Her breathing slowed down, as she realised she was _safe_. Safe from the demons that lurked in her mind, at least for the time being.

She went back to bed, back to the warmth of Kaidan's embrace. When she woke the second time, she turned to him, and smiled. "I love you," she said.

It was a rare day that they were both free to do whatever they pleased. They flew to the Citadel, and wound up at a favourite café. It was a small café that they had discovered in the early years of their relationship. Zakera Ward had a vast selection of them, and this place was like an opal: its beauty hidden until the light flashed and showed beautiful colours. Kaidan was excited—he had something special planned for her.

When they settled down on the couch in The Rattling Bog Café, with glasses of sparkling water in front of them, Kaidan kissed Rose.

"I have something for you," he said, coughing to disguise his nervousness. They had discussed marriage, and it was all but official that they would get married, but Kaidan wanted to do this the proper way. The simple rose gold ring with the teardrop shaped pearl sat in his pocket. He drew it out, and took her hand. "Rose Elinor Shepard, will you marry me?" he asked.

"Yes." Rose kissed him. It was all that needed saying.

* * *

" _Dance me to the children who are asking to be born,"_ the wedding singer crooned, as Rose and Kaidan twirled on the dance floor, oblivious and happily so, to the rest of the world. " _Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn…"_ It was a song they both loved. Old though it was, it spoke to them in a way few new songs did.

The wedding reception passed by in a blur—morphing from the first dance, through to speeches and cake cutting, to the finale where Rose tossed her bouquet, and Kaidan tossed Rose's garter. To their surprise, Nellie and James were the recipients of both. Then they were off in the skycar, empty ammo crates tied to the back with the words _just married_ painted with a Krogan sensibility.

For once, Rose felt happy and peaceful. She leaned her head on Kaidan's shoulder as they were taxied to the apartment.

It was their first night together as man and wife, and both were excited. No sooner had they gotten in the door than Rose's dress came off, and the veil with the fifteen thousand hairpins. Their clothes were strewn in all directions, and they made love that night.

When they woke the next morning, Rose turned to her husband, and kissed him. She felt happy and optimistic for the first time in a long time. She was content.

* * *

A/N: Because it's important to the chapter, this is the song.

watch?v=IEVow6kr5nI


	4. Story of Isaac

You who stand above them now,  
Your hatchets blunt and bloody,  
You were not there before,  
When I lay upon a mountain  
And my father's hand was trembling  
With the beauty of the word.

\- _Story of Isaac,_ Leonard Cohen

"Steve!" Rose rushed to the side of her shuttle pilot, who was bleeding badly.

"Let's get some medi-gel, guys!" She ducked into cover as the pirates opened fire, returning fire, and watching as they fell. Dragging Steve by his arm, Rose felt a chill run down her spine. She glanced up, not daring to look at Steve's injuries, knowing they were severe. How many more deaths would be on her hands? Slapping an application of medi-gel on the worst of Cortez's injuries, Rose hoped it would be enough to stabilise him—at least until the return shuttle arrived.

"Stay here, Steve. We'll be out of here soon enough."

"Rose, I just want to say…" Cortez began, but Rose cut him off with a look that brokered no further talking.

"You're not going to die, not on my watch. Save your goodbyes for later, okay?" Rose said firmly, trying to convince both Steve and herself. She wasn't sure who she was trying to convince. Probably herself.

Rose fired a volley, ejected her thermal clip, and reloaded. It seemed the pirates weren't going down without a fight—or going gentle into that goodnight. Rose wanted to make sure the pirates weren't going to harm anyone, or anything other than themselves. Squeezing the trigger on her favourite shotgun, Rose fired once, then twice, then a third time for good measure. The pirates fell back, and Rose launched a biotic charge towards them, hitting three of them square in the chest.

They were too organised for regular pirates. Rose suspected these pirates had at least some knowledge of combat, working as one group. It reminded her of when she and Liara had fought the previous Shadow Broker's troops, except Liara _wasn't_ giving the pirates helpful combat tips.

Across the way, Urdnot Bakara aimed and fired at the pirates, and Rose saw Wrex and Grunt standing shoulder to shoulder like the comrades they were. Rose, reloading her gun, saw Wrex charge, the full fury and might of the Krogan like thunder. She saw Liara send a biotic blast, taking down another pirate, and Garrus sniping from above, hit another pirate. Rose activated her omnitool, sent a quick distress message to Nellie, and then jumped headlong into the battle once more.

"Hey Wrex!" Rose shouted above the din of battle, "Do these guys look familiar or what?"

The Krogan clan chieftain charged an enemy as he heard Rose's shout.

"They look like the pyjaks we fought in the Citadel Archives!" His voice boomed over the gunfire, as they continued their relentless assault.

They definitely _looked_ like the pyjaks they'd fought, Rose thought bitterly, aiming her gun again and firing on a sniper. The sniper fell, with little fanfare.

So much death and destruction. Wasn't the war over? Why the fuck were there still battles to be fought, when the galaxy ought to be celebrating. The question plagued all those who Rose had spoken to on the subject. Surely the mercenaries knew the war was over, that the threat of the reapers was ended. It reminded Rose of something she had once learned in N7 training: peace treaties took time to finalise, to make sure the signatories were either satisfied or penned in by the restrictions.

She ducked into cover, and raised her shotgun once more, firing it. She reached for her other favourite gun—the one from Sur'Kesh that the Salarians had designed. Firing it, she watched as the sticky bombs caused absolute chaos and dismay in the enemy's ranks. Rose smiled grimly, glad for the panic. In the heat of a battle, anything could cause such chaos, and Rose was the architect of that chaos. As a vanguard, she knew the value in disabling and causing chaos, fighting on the frontline. She charged valiantly, and knocked the mercenary in front of her off his feet, then finished him with a headshot. The blowback was disgusting, but she was long since immune to the nastiness of battle.

Rose wondered whether, in her past life, she had been a berserker. They were known for displaying an ancient primal rage that flowed and took over in the heat of battle, immune to pain and injury, numb to anything except the feel of battle.

Moving towards Kaidan, Rose used her biotics to throw a sniper into the air and fired rapidly at him. There were many snipers, many enemies in general. They just seemed to keep coming, an endless supply of willing victims. How stupid. Her shields took a battering, her vision blurring from the blood and the pain, and she charged once more. If this was to be the end, she wanted it to be glorious and bloody. Strange, how often her thoughts turned to glory and bloodshed—as though the two words shared a symbiotic relationship. Perhaps in another cycle, she would've been a Krogan male.

When the battle was over, Rose felt the rage die down. It both terrified and thrilled her in equal measure. The harnessing of that rage was potent, it allowed absolutely no doubt in her mind. It was kill, or be killed. Few things came as close to that harnessing of rage as when she had survived Akuze—it'd been the biggest reason she'd made it out alive.

"I just checked in with Steve—he's fine, it's just a minor injury that bled a lot." There was relief in Rose's voice as she sat down next to Kaidan. "And before you ask, mine was just a scratch."

Rose opened the bottle of whiskey that sat on the table in front of them, and poured two drinks. Rose took one sip and handed the other glass to Kaidan, snuggling up next to him. He wrapped an arm around Rose's shoulders, and she sighed contentedly.

They found peace where they could, in the middle of a battle, standing back to back, in the quiet of the evening, nestled together on the sofa, and her favourite, sleeping. It was the quiet moments Rose cherished the most—the moments where the other's company was enough, without words, companionably ignoring the other as they sat together. Rose took a sip of whiskey and reached for her personal data pad, and opened the novel she was rereading for the umpteenth time.

Rose had read the _Anne of Green Gables_ series so many times that she could quote great sections of it. She returned over and over to Prince Edward Island during the times when she had faced great uncertainty, knowing that Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe got their happy ending, their happily ever after. It brought her great comfort to know that love could lift up the unhappiness and replace it with a shining mirror. It had helped her get through Akuze, get through almost all the awful times.

It hadn't helped her when Admiral Anderson died, but that was natural—she knew she was still coming to terms with her grief over David's death. He had been more than just her commanding officer, more than just her friend. He had been her father, and she his daughter. There were many types of fathers, Rose knew, more than just the biological father, more than just the stepfather. Anderson had been neither biological or step, but he had been one all the same. He had been her mentor, her commanding officer, her friend, and she had loved him dearly. He had taught her everything she knew about honour in battle, even if honour in battle meant nothing in an all-out war against the Reapers.

Rose knew what sort of father Kaidan would be, if they ever decided to have children. She had seen him with his students—unobtrusively observing them, and knew he would be a patient and kind father.

Rose put her tablet down, and reached for her whiskey. She looked up at Kaidan, and smiled. "I love you," she said softly, nestling back into the space she fitted so well. "I don't think I say it often enough."

"I love you too, Rose." Kaidan replied, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

Their honeymoon a few weeks ago had been cut short—Admiral Hackett had requested them back in the field, to face the threat of the yet-unknown terrorist group out in the Terminus Systems. They'd had five brief days. Five beautiful, romantic, and completely wrapped up in one another days where they weren't soldiers and comrades in arms, but husband and wife. Their honeymoon had been over too soon.

Rannoch had been beautiful. The deep reds of the cliffs, the rough and rugged stone that stretched out to the sky had reminded them both of outback Australia. Rose had been fortunate enough to visit Earth, growing up in space though she had—her mothers had taken both her and Nellie to Earth many times while they had grown up. Hannah always maintained that both girls should know where they'd come from, grounding them emotionally in the involvement of humanity's home planet.

The first time she'd visited Australia, Rose had been fifteen. Outback Australia was hot and arid, but Rose loved the red soil earth and the colours of the opals down in the mines out at Lightning Ridge. They had been down the mines in a hand-cranked bucket, and seen the raw edges of the mines. Their guide was a bitter man, who had seemingly lost out on whatever opal remained, complaining that everyone else had found their million and sometimes billion credit opal and he was bereft.

From Lightning Ridge, they had travelled south to Broken Hill, so named for the Barrier Range that an explorer had seen. It too, was a harsh and barren, yet beautiful landscape. They had gone right out to the edge of where it was possible to live, and they had both enjoyed the old world feeling it evoked in them. They had seen sites like the Dig Tree, where explorers Burke and Wills had perished. Hannah and Dorothea were both Australian, and wanted their daughters to understand their heritage.

The girls had found the bushranger history of Australia fascinating. Bushrangers were the closest thing to being the Robin Hoods of Australian history. Rose and Nellie spent many hours digging in the dirt beneath a massive tree at least five metres in diameter, having been told that some of the bushrangers had hidden their gold and treasure underground. It'd been frustrating, not finding any of the so-called riches buried in the dirt—but she and Nellie had had an absolute blast.

Rose and her family spent three months touring the country, on long-service leave from the Alliance. They had seen Uluru, Sydney and the Australian War Memorial down in Canberra. The War Memorial had added the Australian members of the Alliance who had fought and died in the First Contact War, and Rose had been astonished to find another Shepard—her grandmother—on the honour wall.

"Nana?" Rose called to Hannah, "Did your mum fight? I know you did."

Hannah Shepard looked sharply at her daughter. "Yes and no," she replied, her voice strangely choked. Hannah's mother had died three months after the start of the First Contact War. "Your grandmother was involved, but never got further than Arcturus Station. She died two weeks after you and Nellie turned three. A stray bullet from one of our own."

In the wake of the raids on the Terminus Systems, Specialist Traynor had been hard at work trying to extrapolate what data she could from the dead Terminus pirates. She frowned as she looked at the uniforms they wore—she was sure she had seen them somewhere before , but where, she didn't know. Turning to Liara, Samantha looked at the Asari, working away at deciphering the mystery of the pirate's uniforms. It didn't seem possible, but the evidence was confronting, and Samantha was reluctant to speak, trying to wrap her head around what she was seeing, and couldn't.

Or wouldn't.

It just didn't seem _possible_ that Cerberus was still alive and kicking, especially when they had cut off the head of the snake. But no, all other probabilities and possibilities had been eliminated. Samantha had read _Sherlock Holmes_ over and over, and now she was faced with a similarly improbable and impossible truth.

The Illusive Man was alive.


End file.
